I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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