: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
