Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
