So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
