I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
