WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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