i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
