I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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