If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
