Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I love you. Go after that dick
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