My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
