I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
