You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
