Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
