A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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