Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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