I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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