cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
