the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
