i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
