Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
BRING THE BAGELS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
