EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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