i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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