I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
