I just pynch a tree in the face
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
