matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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