I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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