I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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