i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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