Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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