Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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