listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
