Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
