I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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