i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
