I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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