It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
