you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
