dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
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i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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