I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
