her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
