just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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