if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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