There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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