life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
