then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
