I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
