if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
