I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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