You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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