Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
