Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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