I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
