so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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