My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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