I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
