I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
