Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
