sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
