His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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