I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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