i wish my penis had a tongue
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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