i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
