Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
